Dreams
21.10.2003 at 12:10

*Please don't read if you're struggling today*

When I was in "remission" a few years ago, I looked after my Granny whilst she had cancer, from the day she was diagnosed to the day she died. (April 1999 - August 2000) I loved her more than I thought was possible to love a grandparent, I still do. She was the bravest person I have ever met and the most beautiful. I didn't have a dad from 3 years old but I always had a Granny in his place.

Why is it then I have dreams? Not nice dreams of going to the park and eating ice cream, dreams where I forget about her. I go for days/weeks/months and I forget I have to look after her. It really disturbs me sometimes. I had these dreams all the time when she first died, they became less frequent as time passed, I only had them every few nights, then every couple of weeks. I've not dreamt about her in a "bad way" for a good while but for the last two nights, I have.

On sunday night, we were on a train and I forgot I was with her, I only remembered she was on the train as I was getting off and it was too late to go back and get her, I lost her.

Last night, it followed the pattern they used to always take. She was at home and I forgot about her but instead of me suddenly remembering or someone asking me why I hadn't been to see her, she got someone to bring her to me. She was old, frail and weak, she was in a wheelchair and could hardly sit up. I hugged her, said I was sorry and then I woke up.

I just can't understand these dreams, I know they are not true, I was always there for her. I dressed her, took her to the loo, made her meals then cleared them up after she brought them right back up again. In the end she wanted to go into Marie Curie as she didn't want me to have to look after her in the end but I still sat beside her hour after hour, just being there.

I had wanted to be with her when she died, I wanted to hold her hand but I also said I wish she could just not wake up one morning, so she wouldn't suffer. That's what happened, I was called at 6am on 27th Aug 2000 to say she had slept away. At first I was angry with myself for not being with her but I soon realised that this was a much better way to go. I wonder if my dreams stem from that guilt, I just don't know.

If you've not been reading my diary that long, this entry might be good to read. It's not all sad!

Love and hugs
Anne xxx

Added at 15:34, I've just heard this song, no matter how many times I hear is it still makes me cry and I want to share the lyrics with you. Apologies for it being Ronan Keating!